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Q&A: Desiring celibacy with a partner who doesn't

Updated: Feb 2

Question 1: How do you deal with wanting celibacy when your boyfriend doesn’t want it, but you don’t want to compromise?

Let me start off by saying, God is faithful and honours your decision to be pure, so don’t give up keep pursuing it 🙂

With that said, I’ve found that the best way to actually live up to this standard is to ask yourself why you want to remain pure in the first place and strengthen that conviction through scripture. I am going on 9 years as a Christian and pursuing a life of purity (celibacy), and the reason why I pursue it is inspired by Jesus dying on the cross to purify me of sin (Heb 9:14). And as a result giving me an opportunity to live in closeness and peace with God, and for that reason, I guard this gift with everything I have.

Like Paul says, “.. I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ,” (Phil 3:8). Nothing that hinders closeness with Jesus is worth it for me, and that’s my conviction.

To further protect my purity and relationship with God, I have made it another conviction to not date or get into a relationship with someone who doesn’t hold to the same standard. I only want to be with a man who loves God – even more, than he loves me. Someone who values my relationship with God more than he values anything else. This is the kind of man who will protect my purity (2 Cor 6:14).

And yes they exist, I am currently in a relationship with one and am grateful to be in a community of believers who also keep the same standard. And so I can assure you I have met thousands upon thousands of men of such integrity, worldwide.

You have to ask yourself if your boyfriend is the kind of man who helps you to be pure, and if not if you want to continue being with him. Again, everything (boys, dating, etc) is meaningless in comparison to gaining Christ, nothing and no one is worth you losing this relationship for.

Take comfort in that you are not alone in your decision to remain pure, there are countless women also striving to please God in this way, I am in this struggle with you 🙂

– by Nothando Matshoba (Founder)

Question 2: How to strengthen my faith and be secure in the unknown?

I am learning that a lot of what being faithful is, is being consistent in the ordinary of everyday life. Every day, steady, faithfulness.

2 Peter 1:5 advises that in light of knowing that His divine power has given us everything we need to live godly lives [2 Peter 1:3] we should,

“make every effort to add to [our] faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if [we] possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep [us] from being ineffective and unproductive in [our] knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Add to your faith as the scripture prescribes. Put yourself in new spaces to serve and for God to use you. Very often when we grow stagnant in our faith it’s because we aren’t putting ourselves in positions to grow. That could be serving in new areas, or spending time with people whose faith challenges us and then imitating that. I am an advocate for imitating people you admire; it is a great place to start because sometimes we don’t know how to act on faith. Be willing to imitate, learn and build your own convictions along the way. If you want to strengthen your faith look outward and add to your faith.

I’m also learning that we want security so that things will work out the way we want much more than we want to know that God is with us. That is the greatest treasure we have in this world, his presence. But that truth is only empowering to the extent to which you actually believe it and live in that truth. Your security is best found in the character of God and in learning to appreciate the process of things you’re going through. Almost all the things God is going to accomplish in your life will be done over time through the ordinary.

Every day steady faithfulness.

by Valerie Mhere (Columnist)

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